I have been MIA lately.
Why? Because I’m finally realizing how hard it is to be yourself when everything around you changes. New school. New town. New state. New side of the country. New weather (sort of). New friends. New classes. New job. New life.
I’m writing this to explain why I haven’t called or returned facebook messages and posts.
I prefer writing letters. I prefer meaningful conversations. I prefer being able to talk for 2 hours instead of 2 minutes. This is my set-back. Our lives aren’t built around saving 2 hours for a phone conversation or skype call. So I have avoided them. I haven’t even tried to squeeze them in.
It’s also because I’ve been going through a lot. Nothing that I can’t handle, but the amount of things that have changed lately has made it hard to feel like I am okay. I can’t go 500 feet away and land in my favorite coffee shop. I can’t go down the hall and land in my best friend’s room. And I certainly can’t complain. It wastes time.
When I finally decided to start talking about feeling out of control, it was a little late. I was overwhelmed with a job that I didn’t feel I was doing well enough for my own standards, a degree program that at times I’m still figuring out, the impending decisions I will have to make regarding the direction of my career ( a year away, still), and a boyfriend that is so good to me, but is 16 hours away and going through his own set of overwhelming situations.
What I’m trying to say is that I admitted I needed some help. I went and saw a counsellor on-campus. I’m readjusting my meds. I talked it out. I cried for what seems like 2 weeks straight, waking up with puffy eyes almost every morning, until one day the sun came out.
I hadn’t realized it, but we have not had a very sunny fall here in Burlington. Shouldn’t I be used to this? I just spent almost four years in Tacoma, the sister-city of Seattle… why is the weather keeping me down? Well, it’s obvious. None of my constants are here. Diversions Cafe. Crew. RA friends. Residents. Classes every day. Things that I knew for four years.
Boom. Logic. I need to create new constants.
So, almost two months ago, I started setting my alarm for 6:15 am to go to a spinning class I had been dying to try.
Two weeks ago I broke down because I had woken up early to work out exactly… zero times.
What was that? I’m a motivated, healthy, happy girl. Why was I feeling like I couldn’t peel myself out of my bed even ONCE? It’s called change. And not talking about my feelings. Some people can get away with this. I can’t. I know myself well enough to have ignored my emotions this long.
As of this afternoon, I will have gone to 1 kickboxing class, 2 spinning classes, and 3 yoga classes.
I need to remember to make time to do things FOR ME. Not because I think I NEEEEEED to, but because if I don’t, I lose a little bit of myself.
So, I hope you didn’t feel neglected by me, and I hope you know that I’ve missed our Sunday night zombie show watching, our dancing to top 40s in our rooms, jamming on the guitar while on rounds, wasting time in Diversions “doing homework,” ice-cream socials, girl talks, Hello Cupcake, Proctor, being on-call, and the Tacoma Mall.
These will always be my favorite memories. Now it’s time to make some new ones.
Finding my new normal,