Just CALM down

ImageI can’t *just calm down* sometimes.

Sometimes that makes it worse.

Sometimes there is a split second between me realizing I’m about to have an anxiety attack and me actually being fully emerged in one. In that split second, I have a choice to take a deep breath or to start blaming myself for things I “could have” controlled or done differently.

But that’s all it is.

It’s a split second.

And that deep breath is hard to come by.

And then the anxiety takes over. And it’s anywhere from 2 minutes to 2 hours of crippling distaste in yourself or in your choices. Sometimes it stems from things I had a say in, like choosing to sleep in and then missing an appointment, and sometimes it stems from things like moving all of your stuff to a new place and having to start over. Sometimes those both happen at once.

And the anxiety attack only lasts for a few minutes. No tears were actually shed. They just pooled there in my eyes. And then I looked at myself in the mirror and I said to myself, “just calm down. Breathe. Pull yourself together.” And I asked myself what I needed to do to fix it. So I went into work and double checked some emails. And realized that the biggest thing that I thought I messed up was actually happening tomorrow.

And then it was over.

One hour later, I got my day back. And life was good again.

If only that split second was a few seconds longer each time.

But it’s not.

So I learn to laugh at it.

And breathe.

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